What Does a Peaceful Relationship Look Like?

December 10, 2012 by  
Filed under current, Relationship Space

I guess that depends on how you define peace and what values each of you cherish.

At Casa PinkApple

If peace means quiet and unrippled (making up my own words here!) then you’d never suggest Casa Pink Apple was peaceful! Not with feisty, extroverted, Princess Chris living in the place.

I let so many things rock my boat, get up my nose, or push my twitchy anxiety button that it’s impossible to even IMAGINE quiet and unrippled anywhere near me! (Let’s face it, ‘serene I ain’t!’)

At times, certainly with SweetP, I will stand up for what I want or believe in. But poor old SweetP, he’s a peace-at-any-cost kinda guy. The last thing he wants is his poor introverted boat rocked. What’s more he can let things pass without a ripple, and often unobserved. (“For a scientist, you’re remarkably unobservant!” snipes The Princess sometimes!)

He notices facts and information because he values problem solving and you need data to find solutions. And for him solving a problem takes as long as it takes. Dates, or information to do with people, often float by him. That drives me crazy because I value people and relationships, and structures and plans.

Can you guess we’re VERY different from each other?

Why Rock The Marital Boat?

But, is it good for me to always get what I want? Is it good for SweetP to always resist sharing his thoughts or feelings for the sake of keeping the peace? Is it good for me to rely on him to always problem solve, or him to rely on me to keep our relationships going?

NO, it’s not! That’s the road to power, sometimes aggressive and sometimes passive power, but always power that  smells of complacency, and superiority and disrespect for the other. There’s no equity in a relationship where power is thrown around.

So it’s taken us both a long time to learn how to meet somewhere in the middle. Why? Because that’s where out-of-our-comfort-zone is.

But, that’s also where the greatest growth for each of us as individuals lies. PLUS that’s where the lifelong path to “making our marriage a priority” is to be found.

We didn’t know that in earlier days. We drifted along, becoming more and more disillusioned. Thank heavens, we pulled ourselves up and decided to grab at our marriage before the last wistful moments passed us by.

But that out-of-our-comfort-zone is not necessarily a peaceful place. By definition, if it’s an uncomfortable place, it’s not going to be peaceful.

How Can Peace and Relationships Mix?

However, having gone there, and taken the risk to be vulnerable with each other, we often find a different kind of peace descends on us.

The peace of contentment and security, the peace of unity and connection, the peace of intimacy bathes us in some pretty joy-filling moments. (Even though they may not last long.)

Because no! We don’t stay there all the time, or even for very long! (Be nice if we did, but we’re just mere flawed humans.) So, we go back to comfy places that aren’t good for our marriage or our personal development. Then we realize the peace has gone and it’s time to nudge each other forward again.

And so the cycle of peace continues.

image credit: Grace

About Our Relationship Space Contributor

Aussie-based Chris Owen, of Pink Apple, is a Marriage Mentor who helps couples refashion their ordinary marriages into Joy-Filled Marriages that Last a Lifetime. As she gets ready to officially “launch” her newly revealed website and services, you’ve got time to sign up to her Ezine. That’s where she’ll be offering some amazing opportunities to work with her. But be quick! She can also be found on Facebook sharing lots of useful, and sometimes amusing, resources for couples.



2 Responses to “What Does a Peaceful Relationship Look Like?”
  1. Carolyn Leslie says:

    Chris, I love the idea of the ‘cycle of peace’ rather than aimimg for – and often missing – one long, continuous peace plateau…

  2. Chris Owen says:

    I’m not sure we have much choice about the cycle of peace, except to actually choose to return to the peace when we drift off track! I’m certainly confident that few people can control the drift!

    But you’re right it’s also somehow reassuring to see that a cycle exists and therefore returning to peace is possible and attainable to us all!

    Thanks for reflecting on this and getting me reflecting too!