Better Relationship Action Starts With …

August 23, 2010 by  
Filed under Relationship Space

Couple by DragunskAction is not necessarily a word we’d instantly associate with the Relationship Space. So I’ve been racking my brains trying to dislodge the link between action and relationships that might mean most to all of you, my readers!

All I seem to keep coming up with is questions …

But then, as some of my clients would tell you, I am very fond of throwing the odd challenging question to burst, like a grenade, through your thinking! So why change now?

Maybe that’s the link!

The action that your relationship needs at the moment is to sit and be inactive long enough to read these questions.

And then answer the ones that are making you feel least comfortable. Yes I said least comfortable.

SweetP … (love of my life for 37 years –OMG, soooo long!) SweetP and I make it our business to have regular in-depth conversations. It’s a way of keeping ourselves honest with each other. Of course, one dilemma is to even decide what we’ll talk about! Funnily enough we never seem to run out …

Over the years, we’ve realised that when we’re considering potential topics, the ones we actually desperately need to talk about are the ones we react to with an internal wince, a quick frown, a fluttering gut-tightening, or other tell-tale signs! If a topic sets off that feeling of “get me out of here” fight/flight, then that’s the one!

Of course you can cheat yourself and your partner and not show those internal belly flops are happening, but who does that benefit?

Have you got your beverage ready?

What beverage? The one you’re going to have while you read through this list of questions and note your internal responses. The beverage that’s going to buy you the time to be honest (at least with yourself) and admit what topics are the hot buttons in your relationship?

Are you ready to do some thinking about your relationship?

Are you ready to prepare for action on your relationship?

Are you ready to find the direction that conversations, and actions need to take for the sake of that relationship?

Here goes:

  • How content are you in your relationship right now?
    • How has that changed over the last 3 months?
    • The last year?
    • The last 5 years?
  • How much sparkle and life is there in your relationship right now?
    • What are the signs of sparkle and life that have appeared/disappeared in the last 12 months?
    • How much have you contributed to the arrival/departure of that sparkle?
  • How much conflict is there in your relationship right now?
    • How much do you contribute to the conflict?
    • What are the strongest repeating themes in your conflicts?
    • What is your usual behaviour during the conflict?
    • What patterns of behaviour have you noticed in your partner?
    • How do you go about healing the relationship after the conflict has subsided?
    • How much effort do you put into that healing process?
    • How has that degree of effort changed over the last 12 months?
  • In what areas of your relationship do you consider yourself superior to your partner?
    • In what areas of your relationship do you believe you are inferior?
    • How is that power struggle benefiting your relationship?
    • How comfortable are you with your position of superiority/inferiority?
    • What have you done to change that?
  • How do you go about solving the problems that crop up in your daily lives together?
  • How much effort do you put into solving the little issues in your lives?
  • How much appreciation do you receive for that?
  • How much appreciation do you show for your partner’s problem-solving efforts?
  • How often does your partner really get to “know” how much you love her/him?
    • How do you demonstrate that?
    • What evidence do you have that your message hits home?
  • When did you last actively “work on your relationship”?
    • What did you do?
    • How much improvement did that make to the connection between you both?
  • How do you demonstrate that your love for your partner is unconditional?
    • When might your love appear conditional to your partner?
    • How might your attitudes be affecting your unconditional acceptance of your partner just as he/she is?
  • How often do you discuss your relationship, outside of conflicts?
    • How satisfied are you with your level of contribution to that?
    • What might you do differently that could positively impact the relationship?
  • What might be actions you could take that would build the connection between you?
  • What are you prepared to do, for the sake of your relationship?
    • What are you not prepared to do, for the sake of your relationship?
  • What do you need to release, for the sake of your relationship?

Is that enough to get you rolling?

Oh, but don’t forget to take action once you’ve done your thinking.

Don’t let it all overwhelm you.  Just pick one simple baby step that you could take for the sake of your relationship.

And take it…

By the way, let us know how you go!

Photo Source: Couple by Dragunsk Usf

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