“…to love and to cherish, from this day forward…”

Or at least some variation of those words were part of many of our wedding ceremonies.

So having said those words some time ago (in my case 35 years!), when did you last catch yourself cherishing him/her?  And even if you’ve never married and said those words, when did YOU last catch yourself cherishing him/her?

It’s a funny old-fashioned kind of word really!  Certainly not one that trips over the tongue in everyday language.

It begs the question, “is the concept old-fashioned and out of favour” as well?  Is it just plain passé to cherish these days?

Before we can come to a conclusion, we’d best work out just what does “cherish” mean?

Cherish – a Definition

According to dictionary.com, cherish means

1. to hold or treat as dear; feel love for: to cherish one’s native land.
2. to care for tenderly; nurture: to cherish a child.
3. to cling fondly or inveterately to: to cherish a memory.

So what does that tell us?

When I see the definition, I see

• Actively loving
• Nurturing
• And remembering (making memories)

But, WHAT is it you cherish?

Is it some bits and pieces, or the whole box and dice?

I know of one man who still cherishes the relationship (and the wife) he left many years ago!  Why?

He can see the wonderful children the relationship (and his wife) bore.  And now he can see the grandchildren that have fulfilled him better than he could ever have imagined.  He knows the relationship itself was over a long time ago, but during the healthy phase of it there were many memories laid down which he can only cherish now, because of the wonderful things they still symbolise!

How about you?

How would anyone know that you cherish your relationship?

In particular, how does your partner know you cherish it?   What signs would your partner see that tell her/him that you cherish your connection?

“Cherish Your Relationship” Tips

Let’s find a few ways to demonstrate active loving, nurturing, and making memories.

• the most obvious one is a marriage ceremony itself.
  I had a man in my consulting room the other day telling me how important the relationship was to him.  Together for 7 years, they weren’t married.  Now I’m not saying you have to be married.  But taking that step, that commitment, does seem to alter a couple’s perception of their relationship.
• the once-a-month “date”
• the flowers that come home on payday
• taking your wife out for dinner on your children’s birthdays
• always celebrating/marking your anniversary
• renewing your vows at special anniversaries – either just the two of you, or in front of all your friends all over again!
• empathy and listening when your partner has a problem they need to talk about e.g at work or with a friend (without riding in on the white horse, and trying to solve the problem!)
• supporting your partner in their ambitions and goals, e.g. encouraging a partner to undertake further education/new job, and helping sort through the impediments to that becoming possible (application process, resume, interview training, childcare)
• choosing to do things for the sake of your relationship .  Things like putting aside minor altercations based on the rule of “will this really matter in one week or 12 months time?”
• finding ways to talk about and heal the relationship after arguments
• sitting together and recalling the funny and/or significant times you’ve shared or maybe sharing those with your growing kids.  (We find our adult kids and partners “get” the importance of these memories.)
• looking over family happy snaps together
• making sure you capture memory-makers on camera, video, audio, or in writing!
• writing (and keeping) love letters to each other that some day (after you’re dead!) will become heirlooms and special mementoes of your love

For me, cherishing requires some degree of being public so that the person we are cherishing gets the message!

Just like there is no point in hoping that our partner “knows I love her” without actually saying and showing it, so too does cherishing need some kind of obvious demonstration.

A wedding is a public declaration of your vows and love and any of these hints have some hint of public declaration.  The sign is saying, I’m proud of the love we share and the life we live together.

So what is it that you do to demonstrate “cherishing”?  My examples were just off the top of my head. We’d all love to see some better examples. Have you got any?

Here at Calm Space. In many similarly inspiring places across the net. Your local bookshop has a big section. Even your daily paper sometimes goes there.

We’re all hunting for healing for our “21st century angst”.

The search is on for satisfaction for the soul, motivation for the days ahead, increased self-awareness, acceptance and belonging, shared values, and peace and harmony.

In my humble opinion, there’s a lot of needless searching going on. Or perhaps I should say some of that searching is needless.

Don’t get me wrong! I’m not suggesting self-development is useless, stupid or even unnecessary. In fact I’m a strong devotee of those searches. And they’re searches I encourage others to begin.

But I do claim a rider to my searching.

You see I believe that it’s within our relationship that we can find much of the support we need to explore, consider, and take action on our endless search to relieve our angst!

In a true and committed relationship lies the sacred space of possibility, a crucible of self-development. And the possibilities are different for both of us. But there’s room in the sacred space for all that possibility. Maybe the focus will swap from one to the other, and back again, over our lives together. Sometimes both our possibilities will be cooking in that crucible, and boy will be busy!

In a loving relationship, I want the very best for my partner. And I want a partner who wants the very best for me.

I want him to create dreams, find paths, and achieve successes, which only he can recognise as success. And I want to share that path with him. I want to be along for the crazy ride. I know that even when I’m scared for him, I also have to allow him the space to make the discoveries that mistakes provide. I want the best for him.

And in giving him that gift, he delights in giving me the same.

I don’t want to be dragged along as an unwilling passenger and be treated/act like unconsidered baggage.

I want to be a partner in all senses of the word.

Sharing the dreams, and believing in them because I can see the possibility, that a partner’s self-doubt can sometimes question. I want to nurture the dreams with dreams of my own, or by providing the wall off which all the best ideas bounce!

I need to be a partner on the path too. I realise that sometimes I’ll be walking on the rocky, unmade part, beside his path. Or maybe I’ll be practically running behind him, trying to keep up with him. Or maybe there’ll be times when I’m the shoulder on which he leans so heavily I fear we’ll both fall over. But I’m there because the path is made intriguing enough to keep me there, purely because it’s his path. And vice versa.

And when a destination is reached and an achievement met, I want to hold him in my arms and will him to find more courage, and more energy, and more satisfaction, and more motivation, and more self-awareness and understanding. I want to see his chest swell with acceptance and belonging as much as with pride at our achievement. And I want to lie entwined with him at night, safe and filled with well-earned peace and silent harmony from our labours.

And when it’s my dream we’ve been chasing, my path on which I’ve struggled and felt his arms surround me, my vision of success that comes to pass, I know that again it’s our sacred space that has brought me the victory.

But hey! Not all days in my relationship are like that. Most of the days just feel plain bloody ordinary. Meals, work, family, exercise, time-out, business, calm, blunders, tears of joy and sorrow.

So I go searching outwards like everyone else. To The Calm Space, on the net, in my books, in conversation. Searching for answers to my angst.

But the joy is in bringing that knowledge, or even its possibility, back into the treasure trove and sacred space of us (SweetP and me).

When I sat down to write this article I had no idea it would end as a treatise on relationships.

But filled as I am at the moment with the New Year’s possibilities and a sense of growing belief that something big is coming, I think I’ve just staked out my space in the world of relationship experts. I’ve just declared my ideals, my raison d’etre, my reason for being!

This is what I stand for!

I think you Calm Space readers have just shared a special moment with me as we build our relationship. Thank you for empowering me. Thank you for sharing this sacred space with me.

I’m off to share a happy dance with Sweet P!

When your Myers-Briggs personality type is identified as ESFJ, then one of your values is Social Tradition.  So ceremonies and rituals become a useful and successful strategy.

When you choose to work in a coaching/counselling arena, then ceremonies and rituals become a technique you encourage clients to use to mark significant shifts and changes in their lives.

Do you get the message?

The Old Pink Apple Tart here is pretty familiar with ceremonies and in fact I tend to relish the opportunity to introduce a ritual to many things in my life (even if it’s a one-person ceremony.)  The only trouble is that with that kind of history and embedded thinking, change can be harder to embrace.  I need to hear good reasons for changing my patterns of behaviour, or introducing a new ceremony.

When I look back at Christmases Past, the one that stands out in memory was the first PC Christmas (post-children) we had in OUR home.  It was just a few weeks after #3 was born and I thought it would be good for me and bubs and the pre-schoolers to stay home all day.  To get this idealistic dream, I had to have my family for lunch and SweetP’s for dinner!  (What WAS I thinking?  I can’t remember WHY I couldn’t join them together.  Maybe bloody-mindedness and obsession with tradition?)

By my judgment, the ONLY way to conduct Christmas was to have simple stocking fillers from Santa appearing in the pillow case in the early morning, and then “proper” presents coming from Mum and Dad under the tree.  Those presents didn’t get touched till the Present Distribution Ritual once everybody (the adults) had gathered, had a drink and some nibblies, and was ready!  It didn’t matter how many times kids asked “Can we open our presents?” the answer was No.  It was good for them to learn to wait!

The presents had a ritual all their own, as well.  It was best if one person handed them out.  And it was better if that person was an adult who could keep an eye on harmony by avoiding one person having five presents piled in front of them and another none.  (After all gifts just got plonked under the tree so random was part of the whole scene.  Yes I know I have just described a less-than-random scene.  I NEVER said this story had logic as part of its make-up.)

SweetP’s family on the other hand had a method that I believed was haphazard and chaotic (and therefore totally unacceptable).  As you walked in the door (still with bowls of food, children, and presents in your arms), other family would approach you with a kiss and present.  For me, who valued some semblance of organisation, this chaotic mayhem was HELL.  I had no idea who’d given what to the kids, after all I was busy putting down a half-sleepy toddler, moving food into the kitchen, and fielding presents left, right and centre, all while desperate for a breath, a cuppa, a drink, or all three!  The kids tore things apart wildly and with great glee, egged on by grandparents and uncles.  Why wouldn’t they?  There was noise everywhere and I just felt totally overwhelmed and out of control.  (Not a comfy place for Pink Apple Tart even way back then!)

So THIS Christmas I was going to get my own way!  (Yes!  I can see the issues here.)

I carefully prepared the in-laws (especially MIL who was just as bloody-minded as I was) and battled their disapproval and arguments against my methods.  They reluctantly agreed.

The end to the story?  By the time I’d had my family for lunch, battling heat and a breast-fed baby who was unhappy cos his stressed-out Mummy had allowed her milk supply to dwindle for lack of fluids and attention to self-care, I just wanted to run away, crawl into bed, or otherwise avoid my MIL.  The delightful present-giving ritual I’d insisted on, had an air of awkwardness and resistance from the participants, and NO pleasure for any of us!  The kids just wanted their pressies.

The point?

One outcome of the whole event was a significant rise in my loathing of the whole of Christmas.

Any shift in my habits was delayed by the death of my MIL, and the abandonment of any Christmas traditions within SweetP’s family.

Another outcome was: enough evidence, though only with significant hindsight, to persuade me that change was needed and that tradiitons could not be transplanted from one group to another.  By the time I could unravel where my loathing of Christmas could come from, I had reached a point of being prepared to accept ANY changes to Christmas traditions.

Now I am happy to cast aside traditions with ease.  So when my son (father of my new granddaughter) suggested it was time to stop sharing Christmas with my extended family and instead develop a new ceremony where we become the observing (and indulgent) grandparents, I was happy to agree.  It was easy.  I’d already let go of so much from working to achieve Christmas calm!

So this year is the time we say goodbye to our extended family joining us on Christmas Day.

Instead I am handing over the baton to my son.  I know he still values family.  I trust that he will create new rituals and will ask my opinions.  I can let go.

The relief is enormous!

So what about you? Do you have any over-tight addictions to Christmas/Holiday rituals?

Is there some sign that is quietly calling to you (or YELLING at you) that it’s time to let go?

Why not have a think about it over this Christmas?

Believe me, the world won’t end.

I mentioned a word that many of you believe should never be used in the same sentence as “calm”.  (Was that “oxymoron” I heard you muttering?)

Just take a few deep breaths.  You’ll come good in a moment. I promise.

Firstly I must tell you, I know about your attempts at denial!  I know many of you are currently digging, desperately scraping away at a hole.  The hole where you want to keep your head buried, while you pretend that Christmas and the Holiday Season isn’t hanging over your head like a French Revolutionary’s guillotine!

But it’s ok!  This Relationship Space is presented by a special Christmas Angel.  No, not a  guest author.  It’s just your average old Pink Apple / Relationship Advisor who’s put on her other hat.  Or should that be – changed into her fairy costume?  (ok, not a good visual, so we’ll leave THAT alone.)

Since 2004, your editor, Karen Wallace, and I have been authors of a little seasonal extravaganza that helps the frazzled and fractious become Calm.  It’s called The Christmas Calm Manual and we cover many aspects of Christmas Coping and Calmery. So let’s make sure everyone knows as much as possible about Christmas calm.

Unfortunately, Christmas is a time of difficult relationships.  And I’m not just talking about the increased incidence of domestic violence either. Or of the increased incidence of suicidal risk.

If we put aside those dramatic/extreme examples, I bet you can instantly recall a Christmas you experienced, or know about, where the “Happy” season created conflict and not calm.

There’s the classic conflicts between couples about who Christmas time should be spent with, how Christmas gifts for the children should be managed, and more significantly where all the money in the bank account/budget has gone.

I’m not even talking about conflict in couple relationships either.

Other conflicts are those extended family ones, where competing needs cause flare-ups of deep-seated family rifts or sibling rivalries.  Even if we come from one family and presumably a similar cultural background, our different attitudes to customs, culture, and in particular our attitude to change will cause conflicts.

When we overlay that on top of end-of-year deadlines, children exhausted after the long school year (at least here in Australia), climate-changed excesses of heat and cold, extra traffic, extra shopping and extra cooking and cleaning – what we get is something far from calm and renewal.

Whether you’re a single woman, a single mum, an only child, or a woman well-entrenched in a big extended family, the effects on you as a person are still difficult to cope with.

You see if Christmas and the holiday season sends you into a place where you keep banging into feelings of stress, of frustration, of resentment, of guilt, of exhaustion, of anger, of fear as well as the occasional moments of satisfaction then why do you keep doing things the same way every year?

I hate to suggest this to such a nice, normally intelligent person, but are you mad, or are you just a masochist?

Why would you keep doing the same old thing getting those same outcomes, of stress, resentment, guilt etc  and not stop and wonder what else you could do?

Ok! It doesn’t matter what’s happened before, this year is your chance to deliver a joy-filled Christmas to yourself and to those you love, without losing your Christmas Calm.

So like any problem let’s start by looking at the situation as it stands.  Sit for a moment here and now and look deep into your heart and admit to yourself which parts of Christmas give you most pain and distress.  Is it the bah-humbug relative, the critical mother, the drunken uncle, the bitchy sister?  Is it all those shopping centre car parks stretching in front of you?  Is it the endless, unassisted cleaning or the unfair sharing of tasks?  Is it preparing a meal beyond your abilities or inappropriate for the climate?  Is it the fights over excessive spending or overdrawn credit cards?

Bearing in mind that it’s probably a little of a lot of those, think about where you’d like to focus most of your efforts.  What one or two changes could you make that would help you to remain the kind of person you want to be when you show up at Christmas?  What kind of person is it that you want to be?  How do you look?  How do you behave? How do you cope?  Who do you turn to for support and assistance?

Who or what might get in the way of making things better for you this year?  How are you going to deal with that?  What plan could you develop to manage the issue and find at least a compromise that meets your needs as well as other’s?

Part of the problems that cause conflict at Christmas, lie in our attitude to change.

Why do we continue to slavishly follow traditions that no longer fit our lifestyle, our budgets, or our relationships?  Because we’re a bit scared of what bringing in changes might do?  So instead of making choices that allow you to remain not only calm but loving nurturing and caring (all feelings that fit the Christmas season very well), you continue to get stressed, bite people’s heads off, and send them running AWAY from you just when you need help most and want them running to you with offers of assistance!

You do know you have permission to make change, don’t you?  Well if you didn’t, you do now!

So you’ve now got a good idea of what changes need to happen.  Whose help do you need to enlist to achieve these changes?  When can you sit down with enough time together to draw up a plan for how it’s going to be and how you’re going to manage it?

How are you feeling right now?  Is knowing that it can be different, that there’s an end in sight to your stress, changing your feelings and attitudes?

Guess what – you’re on the path!

Christmas Calm, here I come!

As someone who judges she falls into the ugly segment of society, I can get a bit defensive about the shallowness of people focusing on skin-deep beauty.  If that’s all people are going to do, then no-one will ever take any notice of me!

(Well of course it’s all about me!  Don’t you have times when it’s all about you?)

Being overweight in a world where thin is all important doesn’t help either!  Every message reinforces that I don’t fit the world’s definition of beauty, and so by default am unacceptable.

Hopelessness or Hope?

But there is one place that is safe for me to believe that I have a certain beauty to offer and that is in my marriage.

At first I thought my darling boy (aka SweetP) was just deluded by love/lust and couldn’t see what was in front of his eyes.

After the relationship had passed that early romantic “love is blind” phase and settled into a more ponderous “normality”, I assumed he was just plain lying to shut me up and “make me feel better”!  I assumed that’s what he thought he “should” do.  While on one hand I appreciated the effort, I actually wished he’d be more real and honest.

And so it went on.

Years down the track when we at last started having conversations with shared and growing intimacy, I discovered that I’d been doing the poor guy a disservice all these years!

He actually honestly believes I am beautiful.

The Eye of the Beholder

He believes I am beautiful because beauty to him is a mix of the visible and invisible, the physical and the mental, the behaviours and the qualities.

35 years later, he’s still entranced by a glimpse of a voluptuous curve of breast as much as he’s entranced by a capacity to understand the workings of my own and other’s complex human brains.

He’ll trace the lines around my eyes and remember the many laughs that have embedded those creases into the structure of my face.

He’s as stunned by a talent for engaging others and making them feel special, as he is by his private view into the woman behind the mask with all her vulnerabilities and so much love to share.

So these days while I might loathe looking in the mirror, I love to lie in his arms and can safely believe him when he tells me I am beautiful in his eyes.

That’s loving someone with all their flaws not just despite them.

So What About You?

When you’re told you’re beautiful by someone you love, what weird little conversation does that voice in your head have with you?

Do you believe your partner is beautiful?  What beauty are you talking about?

Have you ever told your lover what beauty you see in them?

Have you ever told a friend what beauty you can see in them?

Just a few days ago, a friend of mine did that.

This was part of what she told me:

you are a wonderful person

you have a heart as big as the earth!

you have so MUCH to give

you are the most inspirational, amazing woman

when you just get out of your own way!

Yes there was a bit of a kick-arse quality to the conversation! But for me the beauty of the gift she gave me was her honesty.

Just like with SweetP’s comments, I actually believed her. After many very real and honest conversations, I now KNOW how authentic she is, and have every reason to believe that she sees in me a beauty that I can’t.

Those are blessings and gifts beyond measure. No need for flowers, no need for jewels (though SweetP I do still like visiting the jeweller!) All I need is someone who can see the real me and appreciate it!

That’s beauty in all its many guises.

Has anyone ever given you advice on something big and life altering?

Maybe I did in last month’s Relationship Space!  Challenging you about something big and life-altering like your attitude to sex!  That might have left you thinking  “It’s my life, Pink Apple, leave me alone!”

Has anyone (else) ever given you the benefit of their wisdom and then finished with the line “… but, it’s your life!”  (you can practically hear the unspoken follow up words “…but I wouldn’t be doing that!”)

I remember …

… way back in the shadows of time, before SweetP and I married, my sister said those words to me.

My bubble was burst after I shared how excited I was at my plan to marry, and expected her to share in my happiness.  She, on the other hand, was appalled at my intention to get married “so young”.

Her words had a kind of threat to them.  She might as well have said “Mark my words, you’re making a terrible mistake.”  That’s certainly what her tone was saying.

I can’t resist the temptation to be a leeetle bit smug here!

It’s now nearly 35 years since I married SweetP and it was the best thing I ever did.  No terrible mistake there.  (To give her credit, I’m sure that her misgivings were about my age and not about the entirely likable SweetP.)

However I must add that at about 16 years of marriage we were going down the gurgler at a rapid rate.

Fortunately we found a way to claw ourselves back up that slippery slope.  Like all couples, we have snipey moments together but while our boat rocks in stormy seas these days, we rarely feel like we’re at risk of falling overboard.

So, despite shared wisdoms…

… dire prophecies and endless advice, you’ve decided.  It is your life, and you’re going to live it – just the way you like!

How’s that going for you?

• Are you happy with the life you’ve carved out together with your chosen partner?
• How close is your life to what you expected it might be?
• What people have you chosen to advise you by example on the rollercoaster of relationships?
• Have they been a good choice?  Who else have you noticed exhibit the kinds of qualities you value?
• If your life could be better, what would it look like?
• How long ago was it that you sat together and created/shared new dreams for the ongoing life you share?
• What steps have you taken to make some of those dreams become more real – inch by inch, baby step by baby step?
• What are the things that get in the way of you achieving YOUR life’s dreams?
• Is it you that holds you back?   Or are there some other invisible reins holding your happiness back?
• What are you tolerating in your relationship?
• How can you make your life together better?
• How do you treat your partner?
• How do you teach your partner to treat you?
• In fact, who’s responsible for your life?
• And if it’s you who’s responsible, what steps are you taking to make it the best life you can have?
• If you’re not happy with what you’ve got, what are YOU going to do about it?

My Food For Thought

Just near my front door is a wall hanging with this wonderful Buddhist saying:

In the end what matters most is:

How well did you live

How well did you love

How well did you learn to let go?

The answers to all my questions, as well as your life, are in your hands!

Go and immerse yourself in your life.  Go and show everyone how you live and love your life, and how proud you are of it!

Back in the days when water wasn’t a premium resource, and ‘water restrictions’ were just words?

Remember playing under the sprinkler in your garden?

The squeals of delight, the buzz of that cold water on your hot skin?

Sometimes, there were “tears before bedtime” too, weren’t there? The howls of hurt and anger would bring your mum or dad out, ready to get seriously grumpy!

What was it that used to upset you back then?

Did you have a big brother/sister or some neighbourhood kid who ran to the tap and took control of the flow of water?  Turning it up high so that it sprayed well away from where you stood waiting for that wave of cool relief.  Or turning it off, and torturing you with their unrelenting grip on the tap – despite all your pleas and angry screams?

Have I taken you back there?  Do you remember the rising frustration at how little power you had to get what you wanted? For you alone to control that tap?

What About Now?

Have you ever considered that you may BE that kid?  Here?  Now?  As an adult?

No! I’m not suggesting you’re a bully!

But I do have a question.

In your relationship, who gets control of how often you have sex? Who has a hold on that tap?

Please note I said “you have sex” not “you want sex”.

Because, in a non-abusive relationship if the woman says no she doesn’t want to have sex, then the couple don’t have sex.  He might try wheedling, tickling, kissing, whispering endearments, or a hundred other possibilities.  But if it’s no, then it’s no go!

Now I know there are plenty of times when love-making can be the best fun you could ever have!

Equally, there are other times when one of you will have sex, albeit with a total lack of enthusiasm, because the other is hanging out for it!   Just to shut her/him up!  You may even get “into it” despite an initial reluctance.  You may have a quickie, or a “mercy hump”, or be mentally filing your nails, but you have still agreed to have sex.

Control of the Tap

So what I’m saying is that women have their hand on that particular tap.  It’s just like that nasty and frustrating big brother at the garden tap, all those years ago.

Now, when this was pointed out to me for the first time, I think the “occasional feminist” in me did a mental little happy dance.  I have to ‘fess up to enjoying the thought that I had power like that, even though I’d never been consciously aware of it!

Later, I talked with SweetP (my sweet hubby).  I was so used to that old stereotype of men as sexual oppressors and predators that this ‘new’ concept of women’s power had got me thinking, and I wanted his opinion.  So I asked him how it felt when I refused sex.

I wanted to listen carefully so I could really get a sense of what it would be like to “walk in his shoes”.  Maybe I’m just easily persuadable, but I was left feeling uncomfortable about the equity of that power.  I was left a little ashamed at the selfishness with which I’d used that power, and felt mean at the memory of that happy dance.

Now you many not be like me.  You may not have any trouble contemplating sex when exhausted.  You may be ever-eager to please your man, and yourself, at every opportunity. You may have no trouble doing all tasks like SuperWoman and then smile gratefully at the suggestion of sex.  Or maybe, you DO connect a little with this selfish and cruel non-guru, Pink Apple.

New Self-Awareness

SweetP’s answers helped me realise that plenty of men who love and respect their wives must find it very frustrating that they don’t ever get to really have the final choice!

Hang On!  I can hear you spluttering with feisty indignation there ladies!

Now, I know there could be many arguments about the number of situations where women get no choice.  I know that it could be suggested that this particular inequity might be rebalancing the books in some people’s minds.  So don’t bombard me with those arguments!

I just know I’d hate anyone, even SweetP whom I adore, to have that much control over me.  I hate feeling powerless.  I’m assuming most people do!

So I assume that it can’t be much fun to be faced with the immutable fact that the woman in your life will always get to say how much sex you have, assuming you choose to remain faithful to her.  I guess it’s a little like being in a routine and unsatisfying job, when you know you’ll never get a promotion, but also know you need to stay there to keep getting the money.

So now I want to ask you …

• What does that power feel like for you?  Have you always recognised it as a power?
• If it’s a new concept for you, what effect does that knowledge have on you?  Does it change your thinking?  Will it change your behaviours?  If so, what might change?
• What impact does that power have on your relationship?  Does it help it to be more balanced? Is it a source of conflict?  Is it a source of strength?
• How do you wield that power?  Do you use it wisely and well?
• Is there a way you could use that power to strengthen your relationship, to give you a better relationship?

(I know I’m going out on a limb here, but I really would value your opinions. In fact, why not show your partner this article and see how the conversation unfolds.)

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive
-Sir Walter Scott-

Fall to Heaven - image by Sharif from flickr

In an ideal world, we’d all be endlessly truthful.

If you talk to newly-coupled men or women, they’ll tell you how important honesty is in their relationship.

But how elastic is your version of truth or honesty?

Are you committed to absolute truth?

Are you committed to excruciating honesty?  Or is truth a matter of degree for you?  And if so, how do you decide where to draw the line?

Is truth defined differently by each one of us?  If so, whose truth is real, and whose isn’t?

In fact, what is truth?

The Oxford Dictionary defines it as “quality or state of being accurate, honest, sincere or loyal”

Given that definition, where does truth fit into these scenarios?

Is truth:

• disclosing the history of your love life as a sign of commitment to a new relationship?
• vowing that she has NOT put on weight nor does her bum look big in those pants?
• keeping your own bank account and keeping its contents private?
• blaming that little ding in the car on some idiot in the supermarket car park?
• throwing out a disgusting “favourite” t-shirt and saying it got mangled in the washing machine?
• faking an orgasm?
• colluding with the kids to keep a misdemeanour a secret from Mum/Dad?
• revealing ALL the experiences on the footy trip/annual conference on your return?
• telling your child about adoption/donated sperm or eggs?
• revealing all the details of your sexual fantasies?
• hiding the kid’s least favourite vegetable in the hamburger mix?

(Yes I know those questions weren’t all couple-only.  But, family life IS part of relationships.)

Thinking about these questions will get ANYONE smarting with a little pang of guilt. (How do you think I knew some of the ones to write?  And no! I’m not telling which ones! Truly!)

The truth is …

Humans are rarely committed to absolute honesty.

Of course, some of the time, the world doesn’t fall in because of omissions or limitations to the truth.  e.g. Most women want reassurance that they’re still lovable, even if their bum is bigger than they’d like.  So, in their hearts they don’t see their partner’s untruth about those pants as anything but a message of love.

But in relationships, we must never forget that one person’s minor loose truth can be another person’s world/dream-shattering moment.

And what happens if communication in the relationship is so ugly that to tell a truth will most likely lay a few too many straws on that poor old camel’s back?  What then?

But where does it end?

If the consequence of a truth is to hurt someone’s feelings, is that a justification for a lie?  Whose problem is it when that hurt is delivered?

Truth and honesty are subjects that always seem to be part of the discussion when couples see me for personalised consulting.  I’m always reminded of that mid-90s movie Secrets and Lies. It so clearly displayed the toxicity created by secrets and lies.  Untruths/lies/secrets will always change the dynamics between people.  They breed more lies.  And with each one, comes another puff of poisonous gas into the relationship.  Eventually the accumulation reaches toxic levels, and the whole she-bang explodes around us.

When truth is held loosely and the talk is cheap, then the biggest casualty is trust.  “If he couldn’t tell me he went to a men’s club with his mates, what else doesn’t he tell me?“  And it might not be total distrust, at first.  It might just be shaky trust.  But with every discovered untruth, will come another brick in the wall!

And if you’re mentally screaming “It’s none of his/her business“, then perhaps you’re protesting a little too loudly.  Whose interests have you got at the top of your mind?  Perhaps they’re NOT your partner’s!

Where do you draw the line when it comes to truth and lies?  How confident are you that it’s in the right place to maintain trust in your relationship?

How often does “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” cross your mind?

So have you ever asked your partner just what they do and don’t want to know about?  If not, why not?

Go on, I dare you!  It makes for an interesting discussion over a warm meal and a glass of red!

Apple Coffee by macinate on flickr

Challenges to undertake Random Acts of Kindness are abounding on Twitter at the moment.  (Didn’t you know that we Calm Space contributors are also regular Twitterers?)

If you decide to undertake a random act of kindness by paying for a coffee for the next person in the queue in your local cafe, then get thee to Twitter and tell the “world” about it.

While buying the coffee might be a kindly and generous act, I believe there is a strong argument for ditching such open acts of kindness in favour of a more significant act of kindness to a more deserving recipient.  In fact, I’d even go so far as to suggest that making this decision to be kind could be a much more challenging one, at times!  So I’m advocating going local.

And how much more local can you get than the person at the other end of your couch and dining table and tucked up beside you in bed at night?

After all, we all know that the person that you and I are most likely to take our bad moods out on is our partner.  Partners can cop a lot.  Mostly they stoically bear pleasantries like morning breath, pillow hair, smelly farts and “forgetting to shave” (legs and faces seem the most common offenders depending on your gender.)

Poor old SweetP seems to have been on the receiving end of my frustrations a bit lately.  When forced to tolerate the intolerable outside of the home, my frustration and stress levels rise.

Venting the pressure valve at home seems the only option.  (Well to a distorted thinker like I’ve been, it seems that way.)  Of course, there are both productive and thoughtless ways to vent.  Unfortunately I must confess there have been more of the thoughtless ones happening for me lately!  So I’ve been slipping off the path of effective communication, and dragging SweetP and I into the muddy ditches of the thoughtless and unproductive.  (See?  No saint, this Relationship Advisor.  Just very human.)

Now I’m sure that my confession will have some resonance for you as well.  This pattern of behaviour is a common mechanism in human relationships.

Somebody has a bad day.  The hurts and frustrations are pushed down for fear of risking a job, a customer, a friendship, or whatever.  Then on return to our haven of safety we stuff up the sense of security by slamming the door, kicking the cat, or getting peeved at some slight indiscretion by our partner or child.  The floodgates open and out pours all that other crap, often on to the Innocent and the Loving.

So, if ever there’s an appropriate candidate to receive some kindness, I think our partners could deserve to be at the top of the queue.  In light of that I decided to seek out the opinions of some of my network of readers on Twitter to find out just how they showed kindness to their partner.

I hope their suggestions help give you some clues.  And thanks to my twitter followers for contributing so enthusiastically to my request.  (For ease of understanding I’ve converted some of the Twitterisms into full words.)

Spring in Pink by Eduardo Mueses on Flickr

@BudgetBitch’s perspective is a little different from mine but definitely one to aspire to, even though I think it’s not always easy to be kind:

It’s easy to be kind when you love somebody – showing them that you love them can be kindness itself.

@RebeccaLange wrote:

I always stop what I am doing and talk about what’s going on when he gets home. I tell him I love him at least once per day.

Maybe @JusticeMarshall has been peeping in my kitchen window!

I forgive her and don’t take it personally when she’s cranky.

And on top of that:

I try to be her Hero and to treat her as a Goddess!

Now doesn’t he sound like a gem?

@NinaSpringle gets down to tintacks:

Listening is the key and helping as much as I can with his ’stuff’…He reciprocates so it’s all balanced.

@Smoph says:

I think you show kindness by doing little things – making a meal, doing the dishes, distracting, being there.

Along the same vein @tlsass says:

I show kindness by always doing the little things like running his bath water or greeting him with a hug.

And @JohannaBD adds:

Kindness is doing things without expectation of return like helping a friend, cooking your partner’s favourite cake etc

This one gave you a gentle daily nudge!  @CheyanneBrae shared:

I have a Post-It note on the side of computer monitor that reads “How have I shown Chris today just how much I love him?”

@AnnieInfinite’s is both laser-like and a good summary:

Know how kindness looks/feels/sounds to your partner and then do your best to make sure you love them in that way every day.

So are you up for the challenge?

Can you tell us all how YOU show your partner kindness?

What?  Was that something about play not even getting a look-in in your relationship?

“He’s always working.  He doesn’t need me/us. He’s too married to the job.”                                      Sam from Perth

Is that an internal rant conversation that YOU have about your partner?  Of course, it might not be a him either!  Women are not exempt from these issues. But for the sake of ease (and seeing Karen tells us this magazine has predominantly women readers) let’s use the term “he” in this discussion?

Whatever gender your workaholic is, is resentment building in your head about how work and play fit (or don’t!) into your family/relationship?

Still Interested?

Have you continued reading  because you want to know what to do?

Well, like all problems there’s more than one answer.  But, let’s see what we can come up with.

First of all, let’s take a look at just what’s happening.

Just because it SEEMS like he’s always at work, doesn’t mean that it’s the truth.

After all, when you’re resentful you’ll notice negative evidence more than positive.

Why not do an objective assessment of how much time is spent on work?  How much time gets spent on commuting?  (I know you want to be grumpy about this, but bear with me here!)  Grab a pen and paper and log it for a while.

When you were going out, he only had eyes and time for you and was choosing you, over all else.  So while he started out choosing you above all else, somewhere along the line things changed.  The besotted lover turned into a workaholic with a slow increase in the levels of work. Maybe the increases were as subtle for him as they were for you.

And you know what?   It WAS ok by you as much as it was ok by him!

But I didn’t …

Now don’t jump down my throat yet!

There is always some form of mutual contribution to issues.  Somehow, and definitely unconsciously, you’ve sent messages to him that the change has been ok.

It might be you’ve just turned a blind eye to the long hours, or appreciated having total control over the TV remote.   Maybe you praised him and adapted your lifestyle to the heavier pay packet.  Or maybe way back at the beginning neither of you ever explored what were your core values (You?  Quality time.  Lover? Money to provide for you.)  In failing to identify how the differences might play out in your relationship and setting some boundaries, you’ve both contributed.

Now the elastic of acceptance that’s been stretching for a long time, has pulled taut and you’re resentful, or at least getting worried.

Unfortunately there are consequences to all our decisions, mistakes and omissions.  Yes, it’s crappy isn’t it?

All is not lost.

In fact that tight elastic is doing you a favour.  It’s prompting you to know what you want, and to learn how to ask for it.

So you need to be clear.  What DO you want?

Grab that pen and paper again and jot down some lists.

What have been the disadvantages to being partnered to a workaholic?  What have been the advantages?  There will definitely have been advantages!  So some honest soul-searching should pull out both pros and cons.

Where will you compromise? And where is your not-negotiable, not-going-there, “line in the sand”?

When you know those things, you’re getting ready to have an important, if tricky, conversation.

Don’t forget, what’s taken a while to create is not going to be gone in an instant.  No matter how much you might wish for a magic wand to make it all better.

My message here at Relationship Space is persistent.  You only have control over your own decisions and no-one else’s.  Making change is a matter of taking baby steps.

Having That Chat

Attacking this issue (and your partner) is not going to solve this or any other difficulty.  It’s a loooooong bridge from defensiveness to win-win solutions.  And seeing you want the solutions, a win-win is your best chance.  (Hint: Causing defensiveness is THE best way to sabotage it.)  A softly, softly approach will get better outcomes, despite how much you might want to vent your frustration.  Reducing anxiety for both of you will give you a better chance at improved results.

So what you’re looking for right now is to improve the current situation. Maybe even an hour of play time might be a good aspiration to start with.  (Remember, baby steps!)

When you talk, don’t forget that it’s not just the number of hours that are up for discussion, it’s how EACH of you feels about it.

You’ll both also have some other stuff tumbling around under the surface about what it all means about you.
They will be things like:

• Whether this means you’re a good person/partner/parent
• Whether you’re an effective worker/parent/lover
• And even if you’re really lovable

So tread lightly here for both of your sakes.

Bearing all that in mind, why not practise being partners?  Why not partner together to START to solve the problem that is impacting on both of you?  What’s in it for you?  The change you want.  What’s in it for him?  He may well appreciate the pressure coming off and a positive approach.

Being committed partners requires you to take an approach filled with curiosity and much listening.  I warn you, you’ll be amazed at how effective this weird approach can be!

Do you reckon you can do it?

Let me know how it goes. Or if you have tried other more or less effective methods share them with us all.  We all can learn from each other.