What I’m Becoming

I am becoming soft—

Soft when things go unexpectedly, for they often do.
Soft on my grip on “the way things should be”, for I’m tired of living at the mercy of the shoulds.
And yes, soft around the middle too, for my real body, what a real woman looks like, is the gift I offer my daughter (and my son)

I am becoming hard—

A warrior in my belief in my children to learn and grow and figure things out for themselves, to not always catch them when they fall.
Hard in my insistence that I need time to care for myself, to nurture my spirit and my creativity.
Hard in my commitment to my marriage, because at times my marriage certainly has become harder.

I am becoming balanced—

Watching my thoughts and knowing that I am that controls their flow and not the other way around.
Letting go of the need to live up to externally imposed expectations of an Ideal Mom, giving voice to what’s in my heart, and becoming more Real.
And yes, you may have that lollipop before dinner, today.

I am becoming wild—

Wild in my dreaming and scheming, for what I can imagine, I can become.
Wild in my singing and dancing, for it makes the kids howl with laughter.
Abandoned as I play Buzz Lightyear and Princesses for the millionth time, for I know that this is the only moment there is.

I am becoming frustrated—

Frustrated by the cultural expectation that I should always know what I’m doing.
Frustrated with the comparisons and competitions between moms leading us to pretend that it is always easy and to never ever talk about the whole range of what it’s really like.
Frustrated at the way girls are treated, at the way boys are treated, the way moms and dads of “different” configurations and colors are treated, at the way Mother Earth is treated.

I am becoming patient—

Patient with tantrums over sandwich crusts and applie juice spills and the never ending stream of, “Why, Why, Why?”
Patient with myself when I make mistakes, when I raise my voice, when I don’t know, know, know.
Day after day. Moment after moment. Letting it go.

But most of all, I am becoming faithful—

Faithful that I’m doing the best I can at each moment.
Faithful that my kids will love me anyway, and that my mistakes will lead them not to the therapist’s couch but to inner resiliency.
Faithful that I am a vessel for the divine, and that if I keep showing up every moment to do the work, that the answer will come, the strength will appear, the love will shine.

About Our Mothering Space Contributor

Miki DeVivo is a writer, teacher, wife, and mama of two. She is passionate about building bridges — within the community of mothers, between mothers and their families, and between women and their inner knowing. She’s creating her own definition of Real Motherhood for herself and creating a wide a deep permission for other moms to explore who they are as well. Give voice to what’s in your heart and turn up the volume on your truth so that it calls louder than the voices of the “shoulds.” Motherhood is changing. We get to decide how.

Find Miki at thestillspace.com, on facebook: thestillspace, and @MikiDeVivo on Twitter to join the community and get some encouragement on your Real Motherhood path.