Planning Some Christmas Calm

I know, I know…

I mentioned a word that many of you believe should never be used in the same sentence as “calm”.  (Was that “oxymoron” I heard you muttering?)

Just take a few deep breaths.  You’ll come good in a moment. I promise.

Firstly I must tell you, I know about your attempts at denial!  I know many of you are currently digging, desperately scraping away at a hole.  The hole where you want to keep your head buried, while you pretend that Christmas and the Holiday Season isn’t hanging over your head like a French Revolutionary’s guillotine!

But it’s ok!  This Relationship Space is presented by a special Christmas Angel.  No, not a  guest author.  It’s just your average old Pink Apple / Relationship Advisor who’s put on her other hat.  Or should that be – changed into her fairy costume?  (ok, not a good visual, so we’ll leave THAT alone.)

Since 2004, your editor, Karen Wallace, and I have been authors of a little seasonal extravaganza that helps the frazzled and fractious become Calm.  It’s called The Christmas Calm Manual and we cover many aspects of Christmas Coping and Calmery. So let’s make sure everyone knows as much as possible about Christmas calm.

Unfortunately, Christmas is a time of difficult relationships.  And I’m not just talking about the increased incidence of domestic violence either. Or of the increased incidence of suicidal risk.

If we put aside those dramatic/extreme examples, I bet you can instantly recall a Christmas you experienced, or know about, where the “Happy” season created conflict and not calm.

There’s the classic conflicts between couples about who Christmas time should be spent with, how Christmas gifts for the children should be managed, and more significantly where all the money in the bank account/budget has gone.

I’m not even talking about conflict in couple relationships either.

Other conflicts are those extended family ones, where competing needs cause flare-ups of deep-seated family rifts or sibling rivalries.  Even if we come from one family and presumably a similar cultural background, our different attitudes to customs, culture, and in particular our attitude to change will cause conflicts.

When we overlay that on top of end-of-year deadlines, children exhausted after the long school year (at least here in Australia), climate-changed excesses of heat and cold, extra traffic, extra shopping and extra cooking and cleaning – what we get is something far from calm and renewal.

Whether you’re a single woman, a single mum, an only child, or a woman well-entrenched in a big extended family, the effects on you as a person are still difficult to cope with.

You see if Christmas and the holiday season sends you into a place where you keep banging into feelings of stress, of frustration, of resentment, of guilt, of exhaustion, of anger, of fear as well as the occasional moments of satisfaction then why do you keep doing things the same way every year?

I hate to suggest this to such a nice, normally intelligent person, but are you mad, or are you just a masochist?

Why would you keep doing the same old thing getting those same outcomes, of stress, resentment, guilt etc  and not stop and wonder what else you could do?

Ok! It doesn’t matter what’s happened before, this year is your chance to deliver a joy-filled Christmas to yourself and to those you love, without losing your Christmas Calm.

So like any problem let’s start by looking at the situation as it stands.  Sit for a moment here and now and look deep into your heart and admit to yourself which parts of Christmas give you most pain and distress.  Is it the bah-humbug relative, the critical mother, the drunken uncle, the bitchy sister?  Is it all those shopping centre car parks stretching in front of you?  Is it the endless, unassisted cleaning or the unfair sharing of tasks?  Is it preparing a meal beyond your abilities or inappropriate for the climate?  Is it the fights over excessive spending or overdrawn credit cards?

Bearing in mind that it’s probably a little of a lot of those, think about where you’d like to focus most of your efforts.  What one or two changes could you make that would help you to remain the kind of person you want to be when you show up at Christmas?  What kind of person is it that you want to be?  How do you look?  How do you behave? How do you cope?  Who do you turn to for support and assistance?

Who or what might get in the way of making things better for you this year?  How are you going to deal with that?  What plan could you develop to manage the issue and find at least a compromise that meets your needs as well as other’s?

Part of the problems that cause conflict at Christmas, lie in our attitude to change.

Why do we continue to slavishly follow traditions that no longer fit our lifestyle, our budgets, or our relationships?  Because we’re a bit scared of what bringing in changes might do?  So instead of making choices that allow you to remain not only calm but loving nurturing and caring (all feelings that fit the Christmas season very well), you continue to get stressed, bite people’s heads off, and send them running AWAY from you just when you need help most and want them running to you with offers of assistance!

You do know you have permission to make change, don’t you?  Well if you didn’t, you do now!

So you’ve now got a good idea of what changes need to happen.  Whose help do you need to enlist to achieve these changes?  When can you sit down with enough time together to draw up a plan for how it’s going to be and how you’re going to manage it?

How are you feeling right now?  Is knowing that it can be different, that there’s an end in sight to your stress, changing your feelings and attitudes?

Guess what – you’re on the path!

Christmas Calm, here I come!