A Better Relationship Means Loving Their Flaws
October 1, 2009 by Chris Owen
Filed under Relationship Space
When I saw that our theme for this month was beauty, my instant reaction was horror! Why? Because I have enough self-awareness into my own personal failings to know that I can get a bit prickly about beauty!
As someone who judges she falls into the ugly segment of society, I can get a bit defensive about the shallowness of people focusing on skin-deep beauty. If that’s all people are going to do, then no-one will ever take any notice of me!
(Well of course it’s all about me! Don’t you have times when it’s all about you?)
Being overweight in a world where thin is all important doesn’t help either! Every message reinforces that I don’t fit the world’s definition of beauty, and so by default am unacceptable.
Hopelessness or Hope?
But there is one place that is safe for me to believe that I have a certain beauty to offer and that is in my marriage.
At first I thought my darling boy (aka SweetP) was just deluded by love/lust and couldn’t see what was in front of his eyes.
After the relationship had passed that early romantic “love is blind” phase and settled into a more ponderous “normality”, I assumed he was just plain lying to shut me up and “make me feel better”! I assumed that’s what he thought he “should” do. While on one hand I appreciated the effort, I actually wished he’d be more real and honest.
And so it went on.
Years down the track when we at last started having conversations with shared and growing intimacy, I discovered that I’d been doing the poor guy a disservice all these years!
He actually honestly believes I am beautiful.
The Eye of the Beholder
He believes I am beautiful because beauty to him is a mix of the visible and invisible, the physical and the mental, the behaviours and the qualities.
35 years later, he’s still entranced by a glimpse of a voluptuous curve of breast as much as he’s entranced by a capacity to understand the workings of my own and other’s complex human brains.
He’ll trace the lines around my eyes and remember the many laughs that have embedded those creases into the structure of my face.
He’s as stunned by a talent for engaging others and making them feel special, as he is by his private view into the woman behind the mask with all her vulnerabilities and so much love to share.
So these days while I might loathe looking in the mirror, I love to lie in his arms and can safely believe him when he tells me I am beautiful in his eyes.
That’s loving someone with all their flaws not just despite them.
So What About You?
When you’re told you’re beautiful by someone you love, what weird little conversation does that voice in your head have with you?
Do you believe your partner is beautiful? What beauty are you talking about?
Have you ever told your lover what beauty you see in them?
Have you ever told a friend what beauty you can see in them?
Just a few days ago, a friend of mine did that.
This was part of what she told me:
you are a wonderful person
you have a heart as big as the earth!
you have so MUCH to give
you are the most inspirational, amazing woman
when you just get out of your own way!
Yes there was a bit of a kick-arse quality to the conversation! But for me the beauty of the gift she gave me was her honesty.
Just like with SweetP’s comments, I actually believed her. After many very real and honest conversations, I now KNOW how authentic she is, and have every reason to believe that she sees in me a beauty that I can’t.
Those are blessings and gifts beyond measure. No need for flowers, no need for jewels (though SweetP I do still like visiting the jeweller!) All I need is someone who can see the real me and appreciate it!
That’s beauty in all its many guises.
I hear you very much on this post Chris. I might only be 25 and still youthful, but I’ve had a hard time believing when a partner or friend tells me I am beautiful. I’ve been working hard the last couple of years to begin to believe it, to try and see myself through their eyes. And it helps (though I feel I still have quite some way to go).
I can only encourage everyone to try and see the beauty in themselves. We are all beautiful, so unique and interesting, a treasure of the highest measure. To quote Monty Python:
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
Chris, that is a lovely piece. I think many of us can relate to your feelings about our own beauty or lack of it! We give ourselves a really hard time, don’t we?
By the way, I think you are beautiful and SweetP is a lucky man.
Smoph/Sophie
Thanks so much for your prompt and insightful response to the article.
I must admit I felt a bit like I was naked and out in the open after I’d pushed ’send’ with this article. I’d exposed a little more than I realised. But as is always the case, one person’s vulnerability often resonates with another. And so it seems with you.
I love that description “a treasure of the highest measure” and I too will continue my work to accept beauty in myself and see more of it in others and around me.
BTW SweetP will be delighted to see Monty Python quoted! LOL!
Anne
I suspect it’s an understatement to say we give ourselves a hard time! But boy do we ever!
I know people with many beautiful qualities who cannot see their own good.
I have to confess that your affirmation of beauty in me brought me undone very quickly, but with a dose of “family crisis” happening today it’s no wonder. But i want you to know I felt that warm hug of appreciation from you and am returning it right back! {{{{{{{{{SQUEEZE}}}}}}}}}}}
Thirty five years!! Sounds to me like you’ve discovered all kinds of beauty in each other.. and still are. Power to you. If my husband and I reach thirty five years together (in ten years time) the kids will probably have left home and we’ll be in a whole new phase of rediscovering time alone together, one worth looking forward to. Thanks, Chris.
Hi Janice
Thanks for dropping by.
Twenty five years is a pretty mammoth effort too! I remember celebrating our silver anniversary and the space we were in then is very different from the one we’re in now. Even though our empty nest has been “graced” with returning Gen Xers “saving”,our relationship is very different as we look forward to retirement and a whole new life together.
Can definitely recommend Empty Nesting! Keep encouraging them!
And keep up the great lessons that 25 years have taught you.
I am saddened when people can only see the surface for beauty. Saddened for them. They are walking through the world blind to an amazing place filled with incredible bright light and beautiful people with such generous hearts, giving natures, and creative gifts to share. We are all beautiful. It is the way we are created. Only some hide their beauty out of fear of being hurt and don’t show it to the world, or they do not see it in themselves and do not share it openly.
My wish for the world in 2010 is that we all open our eyes a little wider to view the spirit in everyone,including ourselves, and in doing so, I believe we will see a glimpse of paradise.