Truth and Lies in Relationships – Are you Perpetrator or Victim (or both)?

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive
-Sir Walter Scott-

In an ideal world, we’d all be endlessly truthful.

If you talk to newly-coupled men or women, they’ll tell you how important honesty is in their relationship.

But how elastic is your version of truth or honesty?

Are you committed to absolute truth?

Are you committed to excruciating honesty?  Or is truth a matter of degree for you?  And if so, how do you decide where to draw the line?

Is truth defined differently by each one of us?  If so, whose truth is real, and whose isn’t?

In fact, what is truth?

The Oxford Dictionary defines it as “quality or state of being accurate, honest, sincere or loyal”

Given that definition, where does truth fit into these scenarios?

Is truth:

• disclosing the history of your love life as a sign of commitment to a new relationship?
• vowing that she has NOT put on weight nor does her bum look big in those pants?
• keeping your own bank account and keeping its contents private?
• blaming that little ding in the car on some idiot in the supermarket car park?
• throwing out a disgusting “favourite” t-shirt and saying it got mangled in the washing machine?
• faking an orgasm?
• colluding with the kids to keep a misdemeanour a secret from Mum/Dad?
• revealing ALL the experiences on the footy trip/annual conference on your return?
• telling your child about adoption/donated sperm or eggs?
• revealing all the details of your sexual fantasies?
• hiding the kid’s least favourite vegetable in the hamburger mix?

(Yes I know those questions weren’t all couple-only.  But, family life IS part of relationships.)

Thinking about these questions will get ANYONE smarting with a little pang of guilt. (How do you think I knew some of the ones to write?  And no! I’m not telling which ones! Truly!)

The truth is …

Humans are rarely committed to absolute honesty.

Of course, some of the time, the world doesn’t fall in because of omissions or limitations to the truth.  e.g. Most women want reassurance that they’re still lovable, even if their bum is bigger than they’d like.  So, in their hearts they don’t see their partner’s untruth about those pants as anything but a message of love.

But in relationships, we must never forget that one person’s minor loose truth can be another person’s world/dream-shattering moment.

And what happens if communication in the relationship is so ugly that to tell a truth will most likely lay a few too many straws on that poor old camel’s back?  What then?

But where does it end?

If the consequence of a truth is to hurt someone’s feelings, is that a justification for a lie?  Whose problem is it when that hurt is delivered?

Truth and honesty are subjects that always seem to be part of the discussion when couples see me for personalised consulting.  I’m always reminded of that mid-90s movie Secrets and Lies. It so clearly displayed the toxicity created by secrets and lies.  Untruths/lies/secrets will always change the dynamics between people.  They breed more lies.  And with each one, comes another puff of poisonous gas into the relationship.  Eventually the accumulation reaches toxic levels, and the whole she-bang explodes around us.

When truth is held loosely and the talk is cheap, then the biggest casualty is trust.  “If he couldn’t tell me he went to a men’s club with his mates, what else doesn’t he tell me?“  And it might not be total distrust, at first.  It might just be shaky trust.  But with every discovered untruth, will come another brick in the wall!

And if you’re mentally screaming “It’s none of his/her business“, then perhaps you’re protesting a little too loudly.  Whose interests have you got at the top of your mind?  Perhaps they’re NOT your partner’s!

Where do you draw the line when it comes to truth and lies?  How confident are you that it’s in the right place to maintain trust in your relationship?

How often does “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” cross your mind?

So have you ever asked your partner just what they do and don’t want to know about?  If not, why not?

Go on, I dare you!  It makes for an interesting discussion over a warm meal and a glass of red!