The Truth About You: Lessons on a Woman's Life
July 1, 2009 by Káren Wallace
Filed under Serenity Space
Love in a Mist by lepiaf.geo on Flickr
Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices.
Do the hardest thing on earth for you.
Act for yourself.
Face the truth.
~ Katherine Mansfield ~
We all have so many roles in our busy life. We’re daughter first. And often sister. Then comes girlfriend, partner or wife. And mother. And then there are all the other occupational roles. And always, I hope, friend.
As life ebbs and flows, so will the roles we play. At times, our personal relationships will take centre stage, consuming most of our energy and time. At others, our occupation, our calling or some external role will become dominant.
There is one role we don like a mantle of office… as women we seem hardwired to be care-givers. We take care of people. We take care of things. Often at the expense of ourselves.
Over the past decade or so, I, and so many of my friends, have been learning to take care of ourselves first. It’s not easy. We have relapses – sometimes for months at a time. We’ve learned, quite often the hard way, that to ignore our own needs is perilous. We cannot run on empty like we used to when we were twenty.
Physically, spiritually and emotionally we need to keep topping up the tank so it never gets anywhere near empty.
And that is so much harder than it sounds when you’re a wife, mother, daughter, sister, home owner, friend, chauffeur, nurse, chef, washer-woman, bread winner…
What I’ve found is it all starts with permission. Not from your husband. Not from your girlfriend (although she can give you a good shove!). Not from your kids (huh – like that’s ever going to happen!) And not even from your Mother – although she’s probably been there, done that, and could be your greatest cheerleader.
Who do you need permission from?
Why, you, of course.
Permission to breathe. Permission to shed the roles and be, simply and wholeheartedly, you.
Learn about you. Learn what you need to feel nourished. This is some of the most important learning you’ll ever do.
Cherish yourself.
I promise that everyone and everything you care about will benefit from it.
In the chaos that is our daily schedule, earmark time to get to know the most important person in your life.
You.
Your life is a magnificent gift. Rarer than the rarest diamond and more precious than all the gold in the world. When you treasure the gift you are, you find who you are, beyond those life roles. Beyond the carer-extraordinaire. Beyond the woman with the full diary, and never-ending to-do list.
Deep within is the you that has been waiting, patiently, for you to find her. Let her out, and listen closely. She is wise beyond compare, and always knows the truth about you.
Throw off the burdens of expectation, guilt and shame. It’s time to show the world your true brilliance.
Cherish yourself. Act for yourself. Face the truth.
Infinite riches are all around you if you will open your mental eyes and behold the treasure house of infinity within you. There is a gold mine within you from which you can extract everything you need to live life gloriously, joyously, and abundantly.
~Joseph Murphy~
Ok I’ll fess up!
I’m definitely in that group of Karen’s friends who struggle so mightily to win the battle to take care of myself as much as [if not more than] I take care of others.
i think it’s going to be a life-long learning for me. But Karen your writing this month has brought a different element into the mix of motivators. You’re calling us to see the glory and beauty in ourselves and somehow at THIS MOMENT that is hitting me between the eyes.
Perhaps it’s that my granddaughter is about to arrive for her weekly babysitting with Oma. It took 15 weeks for me to get to the point of making space for her in my diary – that all-important screaming-at-me diary!
I’ve got shitloads to do right now but why would i choose to put that in front of her? I have often regretted how little time i spent playing with my own kids so why would i not take this chance to make amends with my own soul for that regret and play with Lacey and watch her grow with awe instead?
I’m a big believer in self-care and yet, try as I might, there are times when I struggle with it. Skipping meals, eating poorly, not resting enough, striving too hard. Ugh, why do I do it to myself? And then when I do take time to smell the roses, cuddle my granddaughter, read a magazine, I often feel guilt because other “obligations” are screaming at me for attention.
No more! I will take my own advice, and yours, and cherish moments and myself more.
It is nice to know that I am not alone. I have been working on this “reclaiming my time” and at times I do find it hard, but I just need to find a routine to work it in. In the morning, I sit down to have a cup of tea on my own when my husband has gone to work and the boys are still in bed. It might not be much but it is a start.
I am with Rene – I know that I need to make that time to really care about myself – but it is so hard with life pulling me in every direction. And this worst part is that when I do have some time to myself, I am so overwhelmed or scattered, i don’t make the best use of my freedom !
But you know.. I can feel the change coming.. Pretty soon, i’ll be in bed by 10, up at 6, i will go to the gym, to the salon, have time with friends, blog during daylight hours, and manage a very successful career…it’s coming – you heard it here first..:-)
Thanks for great read Karen..
Vitania
Chris – I am so thrilled that you’re making the time to cuddle Lacey – these babies grow up so quickly… you know I won’t be quiet about the importance of caring for ourselves, so you’ll be sure to be reminded again in the future : )
Angela – I seem to be surrounded by new grandmothers… ahhh I do love new babies! That guilt thing is pervasive, isn’t it? For me, it takes constant reinforcement and reminders…
Chris and Angela – You’re both so worth cherishing, as well as your beautiful Granddaughters – always, always remember that!
Rene – welcome to Calm Space! I’m thrilled you’ve joined in the conversation here… and hope you’ll come back again soon.
That first cuppa of the day, when the house is quiet is a lovely, self-full way to start the day (and one I relish too!). It’s a time to breathe, and know that the day ahead will be a good one. From little things, big things grow! I know you can do it. Let me know if I can help.
Vitania – I love your comment! I go to bed by 10 and am up at 6 every morning, but that’s as far as I’ve got on your list : ) With an outlook like you’ve got, I know that it’s coming… it just has to. Setting the intention is definitely half way there! Here’s to a rested, fit, beautiful, friend-filled, free-nights, successful career woman You!
Thanks for being here
Such an inspiring group of women that you are; all your comments and desires for the simple pleasures and joy that we ’should’ fit into our busy schedules resonate with me.
I’m not sure that 10pm in bed is realistic for a night owl like myself, but it couldnt hurt to try
I too know the joy of spending time with the little ones in our lives, and wouldnt swap the time with my young nieces for anything – work and everything else just HAS to wait until I get my cuddle fix!
Thank you all for the reminder.
Dee – Do let us know if you make a change in your routine that works for you.
Thank you for your comment. For me, those simple pleasures and joy include hearing from you!
Great article. I like it. I do agree with its content but most often than not, i find my self struggling to love myself more…take care of myself more..things. I suppose that is one of the challenges of a woman.
Thank you Mike, and welcome to Calm Space! I think so many of us would agree with you – we’re so good at taking care of others, and definitely not so good at taking care of ourselves.
Every little step counts though… and I hope your visits here may be one of those little steps for you.
Spooky – I did my honours dissertation on Katherine Mansfield and it was one of the most intense periods of my life; her writing touched me in places I didn’t know existed. I was single, childless and living away from my then healthy parents. Now I’m a mum, a wife, and a daughter to an elderly father who recently had a heart attack. He’s decided to visit for a few days.
Reading that quote today took on a different meaning, more subdued colours. My husband and kids realise that my writing is something I’ve been doing all my life, something that is mine and mine alone, but others don’t.
This lovely piece – and the inclusion of two of my favourite quotes – has quietly emboldened me to stay at my kitchen table writing this afternoon, because that’s what I want and need to do.
My dad is commenting, subtly, on all that I’m missing and not doing to ’serve’ my family, but my husband and kids smile at me gently and do what they can to entertain and engage him. I’m lucky; they wouldgive me permission to be me if I needed it.
Janice thank you – it’s interesting how words that had an impact on us when we were younger can have a different meaning for us now we’re in a different stage of our lives, isn’t it?
Two of your favourite quotes? I think we must be kindred spirits…
Thanks for your inspiring comment. K x